Purpose
by ToxiicxNitemare
Summary: Coldhearted. Stoic. Gallant. Arrogant. Prideful. All of the things I was not. And that was only because of you. Byakuya Angst Possible spoilers for those who haven't read chapter 301.


A/N: To those who remember me from Narutofic, they will tell you that I am a master of angst and dark fics. What surprises me is that I haven't really written any of those and it's starting to scare me. And then I wrote this fic.

This is actually from quite a while ago... I think I wrote this in March maybe. I never posted it because it never really came out how I liked it until I finally decided to go back and read it over. But enough of me, let's get to the important stuff:

**Title: Purpose (Part of the "Bleach Emotions" series)  
****Characters: Kuchiki Byakuya, Kuchiki Hisana, Kuchiki Rukia  
****Genre: Angsty whiny "I-hate-the-life-I'm-living" kinda stuff  
****Pairings: ByakuyaxHisana. There is NO RUKIAXBYAKUYA. SORRY.**

_Please enjoy the story!!_

* * *

I sit underneath this cherry blossom tree and count the petals that fall. Each one, once a life in it's own, now nothing more than a discarded petal on the ground. People step all over them, not caring that they were once full of life. It happens every day of a human life, as well. We are pushed aside, stepped on, deceived. There are traitors and there are those loyal to their main causes. But that is what life is about.

I was one known to never show an emotion. To never feel pain or suffering. But I did, deep inside my heart. Every day I remembered her curious eyes, that porcelain face. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and find a way to stop her untimely demise. I wish to end this internal suffering going on. It pains me every night when I lie by myself, staring out the window. There are even some nights where this pain is so intense that I cannot find dreams and merely watch the moon move through the sky. No one could ever feel what I felt, even if they had lost someone important to them. Hisana was much more than important. She was like my life standing before me, and when she was gone, so was my original purpose in life. The only thing I have now is this body, an empty shell of whom I once was, and my zanpakutou which reminds me of the past. For her sake, I release it just to watch the blades drift in the air and hope that wherever she is, she is watching. I know she is not, but there is still some hope in this shattered heart.

Even after I watched her life wither away before my eyes, I felt like I was just watching a rerun of what had just happened. I could still feel her hands within mine and see that weak smile she had given me. Her voice still drifts through my mind and I wish it would stay. I wish she would have stayed. But wishing gets you nowhere, as I have learned. There is no way to bring back the dead when you are dead. It is simply a fact that we all must face eventually in life or death. Then there were times when I would just sink into a depression like no other, so deep and foreboding that it was almost impossible to bring myself back. I hated myself all the time for not doing anything even when I knew she was ill. My mind told me it was nothing, but my love for her told me otherwise. If only I had listened to my emotions then she would still be sitting here with me, watching as this gentle life passes by. Shinigami step on the blossoms, killing their final hopes of being rescued. I pick one up and feel the soft texture of the petal between my fingers. Like a memory so long lost.

What is this? This... life? Is it simply walking through, fulfilling our purposes, and then dying? Are we born to take up space and do work? If that is the true meaning of life, then Hisana was right about it. She always spoke of how in Rukongai there was no hope, no dreams. All their hopes had been shattered once they found they were dead and still living hopelessly. Has it taken me this long to figure it out? My life is nothing. I am a captain, the leader of the clan, even one of the most respected members of the Gotei 13, and yet I am apathetic. No pride, no happiness. Those words are long lost in my vocabulary. It seems as though emotions are nothing to me, they only get in the way. Hisana was responsible for helping me see the world through another's eyes. Rukia attempts to help me relive her sister's joy, but to no avail. She will never be Hisana and Hisana was never like Rukia. That is the truth. The truth cannot be changed no matter how much we hate to admit it.

So what is dying then? We continue living in Soul Society. Merely empty shells that can recall the horror of the human world, how we were wiped off the face of that Earth and dropped here, alone. Although I cannot recall this, many shinigami can, and I listen with some interest. The evil things humans do to each other is astonishing. Homocide, genocide, suicide, war, dictatorships. It confuses me to no end how one can be so cruel to another. Yes, I have been cruel to my enemies, but they were just that - enemies. One whose beliefs were against mine - against Soul Society's. It was to a defend a way of thinking. But is that... just? Is it right for us to fight for our thoughts and not let others defend theirs? Hisana, how would you figure this? My head is beginning to pain me from thinking about you for so long. I need to escape this place... this _hell_ if you would.

Slowly, I get to my feet and stare at the city beneath me. Beautiful and glorious, in all it's splender. But next to it sits the slums, where amazing people like you walk and go through life meaninglessly. My heart seems as ease. Because of you, you've helped me realize I have a meaning. I need to keep my dreams alive, my hopes, and my strengths. I need to give Rukia a sibling, some guidance, when you can't. I will fight to defend this place you loved so much. I will stand to continue your memory, to help you live on in the hearts of not only myself, but others as well.

Rukia seems worried about me. To ease her mind, I do something I have not done since you were alive: I smile down at her. She seems surprised that I am suddenly cheerful and begins to exit the room. I call her back and talk to her about what I discovered. Your sister seems to understand well, Hisana. It makes me proud to find that you and her are so alike, and yet so different. At times, it feels like you are truly still here beside me. I know I cannot have Rukia take your place, but she can still console my heart when it becomes heavy.

* * *

That oath to you resurfaces once I see her being controlled by that Espada. Her eyes are blank and somehow staring at me with hatred. I cannot move. My body is heavy and two out of four of my limbs are disabled. Perhaps this is the end...

_These years have been like a dream, Lord Byakuya..._

His sword is heading for her-

And I stop it. Although in pain, although fighting against impossible odds, I stop it. This rage, this fury that builds up within my chest unleashes in my bankai, destroying my enemy once and for all. I get slight chills watching my blades diminish his spirit, his very soul. Have I made a mistake, taking a life just because it endangered another? When I turn around to examine Rukia, I know. It was righteous. Protecting her was what you wanted me to do, and I have done so.

"Byakuya niisama..."

She weakly raises her head to look at me and there is pain in her eyes.

"Forgive me, sister, but I could not get here fast enough."

And right when I said that, all pain vanished and I knew my meaning. I knew your meaning. I found my life, so long lost, but now recovered again.


End file.
